Posts from — August 2003

okay, here it is for mass consumption, my thoughts on the fall movie season, which, after a mostly lackluster summer, actually looks to be pretty damn good. I’ll be rating my impressions (based on stars, directors, writers, trailers, posters, etc– remember that these could all change as soon as the things are actually witnessed) the releases on a new scale of my own devising, hoping to rid the world once and for all of the dreaded thumbs up and star systems. here is the new scale system, from best to worst:

holy zombie jesus: not to be missed, punishable by death.
kickass: you’ll be so sorry you missed it, you’ll want to kick yourself.
feh: take it or leave it, check it on the dvd tip.
craptastic: so godawful it becomes good.
blow me: just plain damn bad. a USA network movie.
blow yourself: so unbelievably bad it’s nearly impossible to fathom.

and here is the seemingly never-ending list of films, some big, some little, and many which I’m sure I missed completely:

September 5th 2003
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star:
blow me.
The Order:
a secret sect of priests battle satan. sounds pretty craptastic, donít it? unfortunately, I doubt it. blow me.
Party Monster:
ìooh, I’m macauley culkin, that stupid ‘home alone’ kid. watch me play a real-life homosexual club kid, isn’t that shocking?î ummm, nope. blow me.
Shaolin Soccer:
kickass. can’t believe it’s been over a year since I saw this at a fest. at least it’s not gonna be dubbed now, so I guess that validates the waiting period.

September 12th 2003
Cabin Fever:
feh. don’t know enough to make any judgment, but cool poster, could be a good cheap horror movie. though if I hear another reference to evil dead, then they too can blow me.
Cold Creek Manor:
feh with a possible kickass. effective trailer, mike figgis. who knew dennis quaid would be experiencing the best part of his career in his 40s?
Matchstick Men:
please be kickass, please be kickass. sam rockwell and ridley scott make this a need to see, and from the trailer, it looks as though nic may still be trying to act again (see adaptation for further examples of nic actually acting)
Once Upon a Time in Mexico:
holy zombie jesus. rodriguez, depp, hayek, banderas in an epic follow-up to desperado? fuck, yeah!
Lost in Translation:
kickass. trailer kills. kills, I say. don’t know if it’s wes anderson’s influence or what, but murray hasn’t made a bad movie since rushmore came out.
So Close:
feh. another semi-futuristic hong kong kung fu movie; the stuff I’ve seen (and I’ve seen more than you) looks pretty cheesy, and not in that good-hong-kong way.

September 19th 2003
Anything Else:
scott’ll kill me for this, but feh. woody just doesn’t do it for me, especially with that pie fucker biggs.
Underworld:
feh. too derivative for words. may prove to be craptastic, but it’s too soon to tell.
Bubba Ho-Tep:
kickass craptastic= so bad it’s good because it was intentionally made to be so. come on, bruce campbell as an old elvis, how can you not want to see that?!

September 26th 2003
Duplex:
kickass? stiller and devito (directing) are good when they do that mean-funny thing, which this looks to be. probably a feh though.
The Rundown:
craptastic. would’ve been even more craptastic if they had kept the title as Welcome to the Jungle. no, I’m not kidding, that was the title for a week or so.
Wimbledon:
feh.
The Human Stain:
kickass. robert benton makes good movies (nobody’s fool, kramer vs. kramer) and with a cast that includes nicole kidman, anthony hopkins and ed harris…?

October 3rd 2003
Out of Time:
kickass. denzel’s had a pretty shitty run recently (john q, training day, antwone fisher) but he and director carl franklin together are almost as potent a combo as marty and bob. if you haven’t seen devil in a blue dress, drop that coffee and rent it now.
Scary Movie 3:
feh. funny trailer, but who gives a shit? unless they pull a craptastic out of their hats, blow me. you see that? I gave it three ratings and you didn’t even notice.
Wonderland:
kickass. val kilmer can pretty much do no wrong when it comes to playing historical figures. especially if they have a 12-inch penis.
The School of Rock:
kickass. jack black as a substitute teacher who explains to the young’uns the importance of the R to the O to the C to the K.

October 10th 2003
Kill Bill, Volume One:
holy zombie jesus. this is more than an educated guess, but that’s about all I’m allowed to reveal about this. the blood will spray; you’ll just about feel it splatter across your face in the theater. do not miss this movie.
Intolerable Cruelty:
holy zombie jesus. fuck me, two must-sees on the same day?! what are the executives thinking? I know itís not exactly a no-brainer, but the core audiences for a quentin movie and a coen brothersí movie is the same.

October 17th 2003
Mystic River:
holy zombie jesus for the cast alone. sean penn, marcia gay harden, fishburne, tim robbins, laura linney. and eastwood is an underrated director, especially when he’s not in them.
Runaway Jury:
I cringe as I write this, but it could be kickass. again, it’s all about the cast; I have to believe with cusack, gene hackman, dustin hoffman (much as I dislike most of his work), rachel weisz, and jeremy piven that you’ve gotta have something there.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:
kickass or blow me, no in between. though I’m totally sold on the shot that tracks from the front of the van, through the recently-blown hole in the head and way way out the back window of the van. and then cut to the mouth of the recently deceased with smoke pouring out. priceless.
Veronica Guerin:
feh. usually anything joel schumacher touches gets a flat-out blow me, but this does star cate blanchett, so I have to give it a few points.

October 24th 2003
Beyond Borders:
feh. though clive owen deserves to be a huge star.
Gothika:
blow me.
In the Cut:
kickass. jane campion always gets the benefit of the doubt, as does mark ruffalo (where you been, man?). though it does have meg ryan– though she does get naked! warning: don’t watch the trailer, it gives way too much away!!
Brother Bear:
disney needs to blow itself with these crappy animated movies. it ain’t 2-d that’s dead, folks (see anything my the master miyazaki), you just keep making crappy 2-D movies.

October 31st 2003
Alien: Re-Release:
holy zombie jesus. just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, they give at a shiny new print with some shiny extra footage.

November 5th 2003
The Matrix Revolutions:
holy zombie jesus. a thing of beauty.

November 7th 2003
Elephant:
gonna say feh, just because I have the blahs about it. know it won cannes, but still, van santís got a spotty track record. and do we really need another meditation on columbine?
Elf:
feh. will ferrellís sometimes funny, but this looks like a one-joke skit stretched out for 90 minutes. hope Iím wrong though.

November 14th 2003
Looney Tunes: Back in Action:
blow yourself. please, you didnít see that one coming? (no pun intended)
Master & Commander: Far Side of the World:
gonna give this a kickass, even though russell looks like a pansy with his honey-gold blonde hair and they didnít pick me to be one of the shipmates when I auditioned. even so, peter weir is one of those directors that gets the benefit of the doubt.
21 Grams:
kickass. sean penn (again! good thing you retired from acting or youíd be in every movie made this year), benicio del toro and naomi watts in inarratuís first american feature. the title refers to the conjectured weight of the soul when it leaves the body. Iím so there.
Honey:
blow yourself. didnít know they were making a sequel to glitter, now did you?

November 21st 2003
Barbershop 2:
feh. they got lucky with the first one. though ice cube deserves to be a huge star.
Radio:
blow me. sorry, ed, love ya, but canít do it.
The Cat in the Hat:
blow yourself. it would be more fun to just watch dr. seuss spin in his grave.
The Cooler:
kickass? william macy and arguments with the mpaa over the sex scenes? good enough for me.

November 26th 2003
Bad Santa:
kickass. terry zweigoff (ghost world, crumb) is back with the tale of a pissy mall santa claus. I have some trepidations about billy bob, but this should be funny.
Love Actually:
kickass. hopefully the about a boy hugh grant shows up instead of the two weeks notice hugh grant. sounds like a pretty sprawling meditation on love from a really good screenwriter whoís name escapes me at the moment.
The Haunted Mansion:
blow yourself. hey, eddie, remember when you used to be funny? yeah, me too.
Timeline:
blow me. poor richard donner.

December 5th 2003
The Last Samurai:
kickass. okay, tom cruise is kind of a potzer, but the actual footage for this is pretty freakiní hot.

December 12th 2003
Stuck on You:
feh. I have a feeling mary was the peak for the farrellyís, such as it is. would have been funnier with woody allen though.
The Missing:
kickass? cate blanchett and tommy lee jones in a weird-looking western. from ron howard, of all people. donít wuss out at the end, ron, and youíll be fine.

December 17th 2003
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King:
holy zombie jesus. this movie better own the year and the oscars or there will be hell to pay.

December 19th 2003
Mona Lisa Smile:
feh. dead poets with girls instead of boys.

December 25th 2003
Cold Mountain:
feh. I know itís got a shitload of stars and all, but english patient was boring as all hell.
Paycheck:
craptasticís about the best I can hope for, what with the combination of woo, baffleck and uma and the story of a guy who plays with computers.
Peter Pan:
feh. but if I were 12, it might be really cool.
The Alamo:
feh. though I do love me some jason patric, and everybody in this thing looks to be aping the wolverine chops look. but does anybody care?
The Company:
blow me. fuck robert altman and his ballet movie.